You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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