Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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