This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize