how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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