He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize