I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
