I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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