I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We just shotgunned beers for America
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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