i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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