the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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