I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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