I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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