well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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