I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
