Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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