His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
