I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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