we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
