When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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