Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize