You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
