does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
