Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
