I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You left your phone here
Wait...
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