I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
