I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
