quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
