I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I could fuck to npr.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
