I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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