just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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