He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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