Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
