the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
