But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
