my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
