I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
please come you make the beer taste better
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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