I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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