Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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