Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
