fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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