i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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