Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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