I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
