On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize