can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
