well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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