This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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