It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
