remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
