Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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