She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
