I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
