You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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