24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
