Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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