shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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