I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
