Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
