I met the friendliest cop last night
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
