the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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