I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
