dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
