My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
