did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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