Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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