He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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